About Me

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Manhattan, Kansas, United States
I'm a 33 year old woman finding her own way in life, while being a mother of almost 7 yr old girl Angel, going to college full-time and working as many hours as i can to get by. I've lived in Kansas all my life growing up in SW and now living in The ne corner for 12 years. My ex is a medically-disabled/retired OIF/OEF veteran (TBI,PTSD) and my daughter is topping the scales on height and knowledge of her age. I'm just along for the ride sometimes :)

Tuesday, June 12, 2012


Is it sad that I have realized that I can deal with anger much much better than I can with fear, anxiety, rejection, affection, crying or protection? Anger is "home" to me. I'm comfortable with anger. We're in a first-name, raid their fridge kind of relationship.

I hate to cry, because it shows a weak, tender side to me. That's vulnerable. Don't ever expose your throat unless you want it torn out by the bigger predator. I don't like to depend on others, and when they want to protect me, although I know it shows they care, again it tells me that others think I'm weak.

I don't know how to show affection to anyone except my daughter, unless alcohols involved. You can't let others see who you care about because they can hurt you thru them.

There is nothing to fear but fear itself. When your afraid, you don't think straight. Why else would those idiots in horror movies always run the wrong way?? Fear is the ultimate weakness-- it means you've given up and know that you can't do anything but sit and wait to be eaten by the predator. Anxiety is the predecessor of Fear. Anxiety prances along, shouting out that Fear Is On the Way!! Prepare the guest room!!

I have realized that I can't get attached to anyone but my own daughter. Because even if I don't screw it up, my psycho ex husband will find my weak spot and hurt me. And I can't ever ask anyone to put themselves in harms way for me. Because I'm angry. And I like angry it seems.

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