About Me

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Manhattan, Kansas, United States
I'm a 33 year old woman finding her own way in life, while being a mother of almost 7 yr old girl Angel, going to college full-time and working as many hours as i can to get by. I've lived in Kansas all my life growing up in SW and now living in The ne corner for 12 years. My ex is a medically-disabled/retired OIF/OEF veteran (TBI,PTSD) and my daughter is topping the scales on height and knowledge of her age. I'm just along for the ride sometimes :)

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Officially Fall

Yesterday was the autumnal equinox, the first day of fall. After the dog-heat days of summer, that were too hot to even take my baby-4-yr-old girl to the pool, I am READY for those crisp winds and chilly nights. And yes, even the rainy and grey days. Today was one of those days.

The one thing I love most about these dreary days (that is, as long as there's not more than 2 or 3 in a row) is that for some reason still unknown to me... I. Want. To. Clean!! There's nothing more I love than to haul out the mulitple and sadly under-used brooms, scrub brushes, sprays, and elbow grease. I even have made a list of the cleaning I'm looking forward to doing. I think I do more of a "Fall Cleaning" whereas most people do "Spring Cleaning".

Now, for those of you without kids, you're probably asking yourselves what the big deal is. Ask anyone with at least one kid old enough to walk. There is no such thing as a clean house with kids. Anything that I clean, she's uncleaning in the next room. My little imp usually just does it in the same room, right in front of my face. LOL I'm doing dishes, she's getting a snack from the fridge. I'm vaccuming, she's pulling out Candyland on the middle of the living room floor. I scrub the toilet, she wants to take a bath.

So, I'm ashamed to say, my house is very rarely spotless. Don't get me wrong - I don't have trash laying around or rotting food like the show "Hoarders". But it's cluttered. I personally prefer the comfy, lived-in look compared to a bare, contemporary style anyway. But I definitely need at least an hour to pickup before a friend comes over - usually two is preferable. If I have a solid weekend (or an uninterrupted 5-6 hours without Angel or Jason in the house) to clean, it can be spotless and stay presentable for a week. But then our lives get busy and I don't have time to keep it up. Then we slowly regress to the 2-hour-company-notice level. I rarely let the kitchen/living room get worse than a fast 1 hour pickup, unless Angel and I have just spent a weekend at my Mom's house and haven't unpacked. Those are the only rooms company usually sees anyway.

Getting off-track here...

SO, I have my list of winterization stuff to take care of and that crosses over into my list of deep-cleaning I need to do, along with decorating for fall and changing wardrobes from spring/summer to fall/winter. I'm getting as much as I can done this weekend. Even getting Angel out of my hair, I mean, the house so that I can clean uninterrupted. hmmm... I wonder if any other non-OCD mother gets this excited about a chance to clean house?

Happy Fall!!

Monday, September 20, 2010

Break time?

I am circling back to the ideal that a Woman's work is Never Done. nope nope nope. Actually managed to cook more of a supper than just chicken nuggets/fish sticks tonight (all my daughter wants to eat) and did a load of laundry, then decided to sit down to some quality TV time. Hey, the new season of House started! Hubby's depression is full-blown right now, so instead of snuggling up with me, he said he was going to bed. :( Don't know how to get him out of this funk and honestly, I don't want to waste the energy trying to bring him up. I know, that sounds horrible, but it's such a battle that I just can't fight much longer.
After House I switched the channel and Lo and Behold -- Hoarders. Couldn't watch more than 10 minutes of it and I wanted to clean the house. LOL Didn't get a whole lot accomplished, but did manage to get some studying in for my next insurance class. I'm nervous because the stuff that I'm reading so far seems really basic knowledge and everyone says AU is really hard. Makes me think that I'm not picking up on what I'm studying. But now, I'm feeling pressured to pass this so that I can get a bigger, better job. Maybe in a different town. Maybe even a different state.
I'm getting antsy for a change -- lived in the same house for almost 6 years now after 6 years of apartment hopping. Hopefully I'll snap out of it if I do something like paint the living room. Got the colors all planned, just need the paint and the time to do it! Need that precious time to get all my other half-started/planned craft projects too. Oh, and decorate the house for fall. And get Halloween costumes started. And look online for some recipies even a simpleton like me can make. And copy off some Kindergarten level worksheets for Angel to do at daycare. And contact the Catholic school so I know what to expect next year for her. And go through my junk mail. And file my old bills. And add the new bills to October's budget. And look for new car insurance that's cheaper.
Geez. Now I'm overwhelmed. Even SuperMom can't handle all that in one day. I'm tired now and going to hit the hay...

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Ups and Downs of PTSD

I have been reminded tonight that PTSD can rear it's ugly, selfish head when you least expect it. Things have been so (fairly) good lately, that I've almost forgotten that a mom's work is never done. Ok, in this case, it's a "wife" role, but it still feels like "mom". One of us has to be responsible and realistic at all times. I just wish that I could take a break from it once in a while.
Since he can't work (thank the Lord for unemployability/disability income) he wants to fill his free time elseways so that he's not "stuck" in the house for days on end. And I'm totally fine with that! Go to the gym and improve your health. Find a part-time job that can be a hobby. Pick a daytime soap-opera and follow it. I'd even go stir-crazy during the day at home by myself. There's only so much facebook and cleaning I could handle. Instead, he's choosing to sleep during the day (he doesn't sleep good at night b/c of the night-terrors and nighttime missions in Iraq - totally understandable) and join a dart league 3 days of the week. Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. Then, he usually likes to go out Friday and/or Saturday because that's when all his buddies go out to play darts; at the bars of course. That would leave Tuesday and Sundays at home with Angel and me. Am I totally selfish to want to spend time with him, watching a weekly tv show or renting some movies, more than twice a week? And is it wrong of me to want to have a night a week where I can go out with my girlfriends; a time that I can just be ME -- not a mom, a wife, an employee -- just M.E. But, once again, my feelings and needs are put on the back-burner.
And of course, this fight couldn't come at a worse time. My high school reunion is this weekend and I was SO looking forward to bringing him back home to meet all my classmates and former schoolmates. I know it'd be somewhere strange for him to sleep, stay, mingle and so I know it's a struggle for him. But I don't ask for much. I want this one weekend. Now that he's in full-blown "it'sallaboutmebecauseIdon'tknowhowtohandlethemoodsthatareraginginsidemybrain" I'm afraid he's going to try to back out. Then I'm going to be stuck, all by myself, trying to act like everything's fine when it's really not. Yes, I know a little of that is me being prideful and wanting to show everyone that our little family is happy. But damnit -- I should get that once in a while.
He wants to pretend like we're as carefree and spontaneous as we were when we were dating or newly married. Reality is -- life has moved forward and we have to also. There's still plenty we can do, but the truth is that we're married, we're not in our early 20's anymore, and we have a daughter whom we love and can't ignore or neglect.
It's been almost a year since our huge almost-final fall out. And we were making some wonderful progress -- I was well on the way to falling in love with him again. But I've had to deal with so much over the past 4 years, that it's hard to forget all the times my heart has broken and all the times I cried so hard for so long that there were no more tears. Have you ever cried like that? It's a very draining experience, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I went through that at least once a week. And I hadn't done that for almost 8 months. I've done it twice in the last month and it's making my heart harden again. I don't want that to happen, but I don't know how to stop it. I can't just ignore it and hope it goes away either. Been there, done that, it didn't work. But I don't know how to tell him without him either exploding and saying he'll leave or getting so depressed that he doesn't want to move from bed. I just want him to listen to me, and take my words to heart.
I know, it's a small thing - this weekly scheduling. But, the meaning behind it makes me feel like he doesn't care about spending time with me, doesn't care about my feelings, doesn't even consider how this affects me or Angel.
Thanks for listening to me vent. Yes, I realize that I still have lots of things to be thankful for in my life. It's just sometimes hard to remember what those things are...