Reality

It's been almost two months since I split with my ex. No, I don't miss him. My daughter doesn't either. But life has not been a piece of cake either. The first few weeks, I was in constant alert, even sleeping on the couch to make sure he didn't try to break in the house. I have less laundry and mess to clean up in the house, but there's no money to pay bills. My gas got shut off yesterday (thank goodness it just controls the stove and furnace) and I have to find a way to come up with almost $300 just for this months electric bill. I had to make an agreement with landlord to pay rent in the 17th when I get my financial aid. I need to find a part-time job during school so that I can pay bills. I'm going to have to go to the food bank today for milk and bread....
And I do get lonely. Yes I live my daughter and she's always (ALWAYS) around. But I need adult, male attention sometimes. No, it's not about sex... Just to know that I was still attractive, wanted, desired, fun to be around..... All the things my ex said I was not. Want someone to cuddle and laugh at TV, to cook supper with, to mow the grass with, or go to the pool/lake with. I guess I've always wanted a "whole" family and I never have gotten it. Yeah, my ex wanted to try to be that, but only AFTER he shoved me around, called me names, belittled me for years, and said that he never wanted kids. Um, yeah.... Not gonna work that way asshole.
Life's definitely not a rise garden right now, or maybe I just keep getting stuck by thorns and chased by bees. Just trying to survive I guess.

Emotions...

Is it sad that I have realized that I can deal with anger much much better than I can with fear, anxiety, rejection, affection, crying or protection? Anger is "home" to me. I'm comfortable with anger. We're in a first-name, raid their fridge kind of relationship.

I hate to cry, because it shows a weak, tender side to me. That's vulnerable. Don't ever expose your throat unless you want it torn out by the bigger predator. I don't like to depend on others, and when they want to protect me, although I know it shows they care, again it tells me that others think I'm weak.

I don't know how to show affection to anyone except my daughter, unless alcohols involved. You can't let others see who you care about because they can hurt you thru them.

There is nothing to fear but fear itself. When your afraid, you don't think straight. Why else would those idiots in horror movies always run the wrong way?? Fear is the ultimate weakness-- it means you've given up and know that you can't do anything but sit and wait to be eaten by the predator. Anxiety is the predecessor of Fear. Anxiety prances along, shouting out that Fear Is On the Way!! Prepare the guest room!!

I have realized that I can't get attached to anyone but my own daughter. Because even if I don't screw it up, my psycho ex husband will find my weak spot and hurt me. And I can't ever ask anyone to put themselves in harms way for me. Because I'm angry. And I like angry it seems.

I need a life jacket

You know how sometimes you hit a rough patch in your life? Treading water and trying to keep from going under that third time? I have hit that spot while going over Niagra Falls in an inner tube...

After many years of being unhappy and putting myself last over my husband and daughters wants and needs, I have had enough. I told my husband I didn't love him anymore (for about the last three years), that I was tired of not being important in his life. Naturally, he didn't take that well. Coincidentally, he had just had an 'epiphany' and realized what a jacka$$ he's been for the last three years and wanted to fix everything miraculously. All those broken promises, forgotten holidays, and ignored family plans were supposed to be forgotten simply because he said he was sorry.

So over the course of the last three weeks, I've had to call the police twice because of his temper, file a Protection From Abuse order, and go into hiding twice. My family members and friends have been threatened and lied to by my soon-to-be-ex and complete strangers on Facebook have seen how bipolar he is. I don't want to keep Angel from him, but she's scared of him, and the judge (granting the PFA) went against my request and said that Jason would NOT get any contact with Angel at all... At least for the temporary, 10-day order.

I'm in financial upheaval as well. I have no income and need to find a job ASAP, but want to finish my college. Also, I'd have to deal with finding someone to watch Angel while I work; which isn't easy or cheap.

There's times I feel such relief because I won't have to deal with him anymore. Then there's anxiety on how I'll manage it by myself. And those little twinges of fear of being alone. But also, some sadness in that I don't know if my heart will ever be able to heal enough, and break down walls enough to ever fall in love again.

I have felt some happiness over the last few weeks, thanks to my friends. One friend in particular makes me smile without even knowing it. But that's a post for another time...

I'm tired....

I'm tired of always being strong. Of putting myself and my wants and needs at the bottom of the list. Of having to cry in the shower. Of making excuses why my husband backed out of yet another event or promise. Of tiptoeing around emotions. Of being yelled at and told how stupid and fat I am. Of having to choose between my husband andy family. Of having holidays ruined or just ignored. Of feeling anxious or scared whenever he's around. Of being jealous of happy couples. Of wondering what it would feel like to be loved or in love. Of not being important. Of living my life for everyone else's needs. Of putting on a happy face and saying "everything's fine". Because its not.