Stressed much?

Whew this week has been horrible.  And whoever is holding that light at the end of the tunnel just keeps running further and further away.  My boyfriend and I had gotten into an argument Tuesday and it just tore me up. So bad that I had an anxiety attack on Thursday and had to stay home from school & work to try to stop hyperventilating pretty much.  Thank God for great friends B & D.  They're so much more than friends, their true family. B and I joke about being sisters and it really should be that way.  Thankfully tho, boyfriend and I made up and had a nice night Thursday.  But then he deployed this weekend 😢.  It still feels unreal; like I could still text him, or see him in a day or two instead of 6 months.  Still waiting for definite word he made it to his destination safely.  

Add to the stress, tomorrow starts Finals week.  And I'm a horrible procrastinator do haven't studied nearly as much as I should have.  Tests on Mon, Turs, Thurs and a huge paper due Wednesday by noon.  Which means tomorrow and Tuesday night I'll be writing furiously.  I'm exhausted mentally, spiritually, and physically.  I'm lucky that my mom decided to visit, and she's keeping munchkin occupied so that I can study.  

But I'm wearing myself waaaay too thin.  I just need to get through this week; get thru one day at a time.  Then I can breathe again for a short while.  

It's times like tonight that the world just seems to overwhelm me.  Like I can never do enough. Never catch up.  And it's hard to stay optimistic when life swerves like this.  But the main factor in everything is my little girl.  I'm trying to provide for her, and yeah life gets hard.  But it'll all be worth it in the end.  

Nothing worth having is easy.

I can't promise you it'll be easy. But it'll be worth it. 

Deployment Day One

My boyfriend leaves for Africa today.  It's only a 6-month deployment, so not long thankfully.  It's kinda unreal tho still; like I expect him to be able to text me in the middle of the day, or stop by after work.  Thankfully, there's internet service in most places he'll be so we can stay in contact.  There's going to be a 6-week period where he'll be in another part of the continent where there is no contact. I'll most likely be pulling my hair out, hugging my phone, waiting for any sign from him.  

He pulled away; distanced himself before he left.  I stopped getting the sweet text messages, the excited to see you's...  He said it's normal for him, to distance himself emotionally from loved ones so that it makes the deployment easier on him.  And it makes sense.  He's got plenty of other stuff to be concerned with and I'm going to be waiting for him here, safe at home.  But I just wanted to spend every minute with him, hugging him, kissing him, protecting him from the world.  He did indulge me on Thursday with a cuddle fest, and my world felt right again.  I'll gladly wait for my man while he's gone.  Then smother him with kisses on that wonderful day he comes home :-)

Lord, give me strength to get through this and keep my heart from breaking from missing him.  Please let time fly by for these next 6 months, and keep my Danny-Boy safe under your watch. Amen. 

One last try?

I tell you what, dating again is friggin HARD!  And then throw the single mom aspect in the mix and it's dang near impossible!  First, finding a guy who is interested. Next, finding a guy who is ok with me being a mom, and not as spontaneous as a single person should be.  Last, finding babysitters so I can actually leave the house! Lol.  But the last part is actually the easiest.  

I have a bad "picker" as my best friends dad puts it.  I think it's just that I have a picker that can find the guys that want to play games and cheat and lie.  You'd think I'd learn not to believe every word out of their mouths, and to stop trying so hard to find the good in them. 

But hopefully, that's all past me now.  I let Papa Bear pick for me. Actually, it was a blind date that I didn't know about until minutes before the guy showed up!!  Thank goodness I decided to shave my legs that evening lol!!!  D was super nice and cute to boot.  And he seems genuinely interested in me also.  We only had a week to spend together before he left for schooling 19 hours away.  He comes home next week. That'll be a full month apart.  But we've been texting regularly (his phone doesn't get service where he's at so no talking).  With this forced space between us, it's kinda making us discover if we can get along without any physical aspect involved. We already know there is a physical connection. Heh heh.   And he seems to be just as excited to see me as I am him.  

Here's the problem.

He's saying super sweet things to me. Constantly.  And now he's hinting about things we'd do together in the future.  Don't get me wrong! I want all that, and I want it to come true.   But I'm falling for him hard.  Fact is, I've already fallen.  But I think he's still leaning away from the edge.  I am trying to remember just to enjoy myself, enjoy our relationship.  But two things: I have fallen for fake words and empty promises before. There's a part of me being a cynical skeptic and thinking he's just blowing smoke up my ass.  The second part: it hurts to think he doesn't care as much about me.  I've never been one to hold my tongue or keep emotions bottled up.  And I'm going to embarrass the hell out of both of us if I let that dreaded L word slip.  And most likely chase the best guy I've met away, because he has expressed how he wants to take it slow.  It's one thing to live someone, but another if that love isn't reflected back.  

So I'm biding my time and going to force myself to remember to just enjoy it.  If it lasts, I could eventually have a lifetime of happiness.  If it doesn't, I'll be heartbroken.  But I'll still be alive and I've always got my little munchkin.  

God bless. 

A year later...

The phrase "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming" from Finding Nemo comes to mind. I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't mainly swimming upstream.   

I'm officially a single parent as of August 30,2012.  Been going to college full-time still, and working 20+ hours a week.  All that just to barely scrape by on bills which would be impossible if I didn't have some food assistance from the gov't.  And no, I don't feel bad about getting help because I'm trying to do the best I can.

I've lived, I've loved, I've gotten my heart ripped from my chest.  And then, just when I think I can stand on my own two feet again, the vicious cycle starts over.  I had a panic attack this morning that was so bad that I went to the ER.  Makes me realize that maybe I need to start seeing a therapist.  If only I could afford one.  

There's been soo many times I just feel like the world is crushing me; I want to pack a suitcase and just run-away from my life. But then I pull myself back together like always and keep on, keep in' on.