About Me

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Manhattan, Kansas, United States
I'm a 33 year old woman finding her own way in life, while being a mother of almost 7 yr old girl Angel, going to college full-time and working as many hours as i can to get by. I've lived in Kansas all my life growing up in SW and now living in The ne corner for 12 years. My ex is a medically-disabled/retired OIF/OEF veteran (TBI,PTSD) and my daughter is topping the scales on height and knowledge of her age. I'm just along for the ride sometimes :)

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Ups and Downs of PTSD

I have been reminded tonight that PTSD can rear it's ugly, selfish head when you least expect it. Things have been so (fairly) good lately, that I've almost forgotten that a mom's work is never done. Ok, in this case, it's a "wife" role, but it still feels like "mom". One of us has to be responsible and realistic at all times. I just wish that I could take a break from it once in a while.
Since he can't work (thank the Lord for unemployability/disability income) he wants to fill his free time elseways so that he's not "stuck" in the house for days on end. And I'm totally fine with that! Go to the gym and improve your health. Find a part-time job that can be a hobby. Pick a daytime soap-opera and follow it. I'd even go stir-crazy during the day at home by myself. There's only so much facebook and cleaning I could handle. Instead, he's choosing to sleep during the day (he doesn't sleep good at night b/c of the night-terrors and nighttime missions in Iraq - totally understandable) and join a dart league 3 days of the week. Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. Then, he usually likes to go out Friday and/or Saturday because that's when all his buddies go out to play darts; at the bars of course. That would leave Tuesday and Sundays at home with Angel and me. Am I totally selfish to want to spend time with him, watching a weekly tv show or renting some movies, more than twice a week? And is it wrong of me to want to have a night a week where I can go out with my girlfriends; a time that I can just be ME -- not a mom, a wife, an employee -- just M.E. But, once again, my feelings and needs are put on the back-burner.
And of course, this fight couldn't come at a worse time. My high school reunion is this weekend and I was SO looking forward to bringing him back home to meet all my classmates and former schoolmates. I know it'd be somewhere strange for him to sleep, stay, mingle and so I know it's a struggle for him. But I don't ask for much. I want this one weekend. Now that he's in full-blown "it'sallaboutmebecauseIdon'tknowhowtohandlethemoodsthatareraginginsidemybrain" I'm afraid he's going to try to back out. Then I'm going to be stuck, all by myself, trying to act like everything's fine when it's really not. Yes, I know a little of that is me being prideful and wanting to show everyone that our little family is happy. But damnit -- I should get that once in a while.
He wants to pretend like we're as carefree and spontaneous as we were when we were dating or newly married. Reality is -- life has moved forward and we have to also. There's still plenty we can do, but the truth is that we're married, we're not in our early 20's anymore, and we have a daughter whom we love and can't ignore or neglect.
It's been almost a year since our huge almost-final fall out. And we were making some wonderful progress -- I was well on the way to falling in love with him again. But I've had to deal with so much over the past 4 years, that it's hard to forget all the times my heart has broken and all the times I cried so hard for so long that there were no more tears. Have you ever cried like that? It's a very draining experience, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I went through that at least once a week. And I hadn't done that for almost 8 months. I've done it twice in the last month and it's making my heart harden again. I don't want that to happen, but I don't know how to stop it. I can't just ignore it and hope it goes away either. Been there, done that, it didn't work. But I don't know how to tell him without him either exploding and saying he'll leave or getting so depressed that he doesn't want to move from bed. I just want him to listen to me, and take my words to heart.
I know, it's a small thing - this weekly scheduling. But, the meaning behind it makes me feel like he doesn't care about spending time with me, doesn't care about my feelings, doesn't even consider how this affects me or Angel.
Thanks for listening to me vent. Yes, I realize that I still have lots of things to be thankful for in my life. It's just sometimes hard to remember what those things are...

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