About Me

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Manhattan, Kansas, United States
I'm a 33 year old woman finding her own way in life, while being a mother of almost 7 yr old girl Angel, going to college full-time and working as many hours as i can to get by. I've lived in Kansas all my life growing up in SW and now living in The ne corner for 12 years. My ex is a medically-disabled/retired OIF/OEF veteran (TBI,PTSD) and my daughter is topping the scales on height and knowledge of her age. I'm just along for the ride sometimes :)

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Day 5 (Thirty Day Challenge): Time I thought about ending my life

I write this post with hesitation.  I know this is a very very touchy subject with some people.

I had 2 times that I can think of that I really thought there was nothing worth living for. 

The first was when I was in High School.  I'm sure it was just chalked up to crazy hormones, bullying at school, and just BEING a teenager.  It was short-lived and I worked my way through that tough time of depression by writing in a journal.  If I could put my feelings down in words, it seemed like a release of those bad emotions.

The second time was when I was pregnant with my daughter.  Again, I'm thinking it was a LOT of crazy hormones combined with the fact that my husband was volunteering for deployment (so that we would be able to afford a baby -- health insurance, bonus pay, etc) and so I truly felt like I was going to be all alone.  Our daughter was the furthest thing from a "planned pregnancy" also, so this was not a state of being that we WANTED to be in anyway. 

Now don't get me wrong -- I LOVE MY DAUGHTER and she is the MOST important thing in my life.  Now.  But then, well...   I just couldn't handle my emotions.  I never ever did anything to harm myself, but I did have thoughts running through my mind.  Amazingly, I never experienced post-partum depression.  In fact, once I went to the hospital to deliver Angel, any depression I had miraculously lifted.  I knew that God was with me, and He'd never throw anything at me that I couldn't handle. 

There are still times that I battle with depression.  It runs in my family and so I know to expect it.  Thankfully, it never gets severe enough to worry about -- just have a "blue" day here and there.  I can see the symptoms/warning signs coming -- for me, it's not having energy to clean house, not wanting to get out of bed or off the couch, becoming grouchy towards those I love.  Once I notice those, I literally force myself to do something about it to turn around.  I have a Mom's Night Out at the local karaoke place.  I ask my husband for help for 30 minutes to do housecleaning, or maybe just for him to watch our daughter so I can go for a bike ride, or workout at the rec.  If I can catch myself early enough, I can banish those yucky feelings pretty effectively.  I also find things to "look forward to".  Currently, our big "forward" is our vacation to Walt Disney World in 24 days.  It's still a bit stressful (making sure our budget is good since we are HORRIBLE at saving money in the bank), but manageable. :)

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