Stressed much?

Whew this week has been horrible.  And whoever is holding that light at the end of the tunnel just keeps running further and further away.  My boyfriend and I had gotten into an argument Tuesday and it just tore me up. So bad that I had an anxiety attack on Thursday and had to stay home from school & work to try to stop hyperventilating pretty much.  Thank God for great friends B & D.  They're so much more than friends, their true family. B and I joke about being sisters and it really should be that way.  Thankfully tho, boyfriend and I made up and had a nice night Thursday.  But then he deployed this weekend 😢.  It still feels unreal; like I could still text him, or see him in a day or two instead of 6 months.  Still waiting for definite word he made it to his destination safely.  

Add to the stress, tomorrow starts Finals week.  And I'm a horrible procrastinator do haven't studied nearly as much as I should have.  Tests on Mon, Turs, Thurs and a huge paper due Wednesday by noon.  Which means tomorrow and Tuesday night I'll be writing furiously.  I'm exhausted mentally, spiritually, and physically.  I'm lucky that my mom decided to visit, and she's keeping munchkin occupied so that I can study.  

But I'm wearing myself waaaay too thin.  I just need to get through this week; get thru one day at a time.  Then I can breathe again for a short while.  

It's times like tonight that the world just seems to overwhelm me.  Like I can never do enough. Never catch up.  And it's hard to stay optimistic when life swerves like this.  But the main factor in everything is my little girl.  I'm trying to provide for her, and yeah life gets hard.  But it'll all be worth it in the end.  

Nothing worth having is easy.

I can't promise you it'll be easy. But it'll be worth it. 

Deployment Day One

My boyfriend leaves for Africa today.  It's only a 6-month deployment, so not long thankfully.  It's kinda unreal tho still; like I expect him to be able to text me in the middle of the day, or stop by after work.  Thankfully, there's internet service in most places he'll be so we can stay in contact.  There's going to be a 6-week period where he'll be in another part of the continent where there is no contact. I'll most likely be pulling my hair out, hugging my phone, waiting for any sign from him.  

He pulled away; distanced himself before he left.  I stopped getting the sweet text messages, the excited to see you's...  He said it's normal for him, to distance himself emotionally from loved ones so that it makes the deployment easier on him.  And it makes sense.  He's got plenty of other stuff to be concerned with and I'm going to be waiting for him here, safe at home.  But I just wanted to spend every minute with him, hugging him, kissing him, protecting him from the world.  He did indulge me on Thursday with a cuddle fest, and my world felt right again.  I'll gladly wait for my man while he's gone.  Then smother him with kisses on that wonderful day he comes home :-)

Lord, give me strength to get through this and keep my heart from breaking from missing him.  Please let time fly by for these next 6 months, and keep my Danny-Boy safe under your watch. Amen. 

One last try?

I tell you what, dating again is friggin HARD!  And then throw the single mom aspect in the mix and it's dang near impossible!  First, finding a guy who is interested. Next, finding a guy who is ok with me being a mom, and not as spontaneous as a single person should be.  Last, finding babysitters so I can actually leave the house! Lol.  But the last part is actually the easiest.  

I have a bad "picker" as my best friends dad puts it.  I think it's just that I have a picker that can find the guys that want to play games and cheat and lie.  You'd think I'd learn not to believe every word out of their mouths, and to stop trying so hard to find the good in them. 

But hopefully, that's all past me now.  I let Papa Bear pick for me. Actually, it was a blind date that I didn't know about until minutes before the guy showed up!!  Thank goodness I decided to shave my legs that evening lol!!!  D was super nice and cute to boot.  And he seems genuinely interested in me also.  We only had a week to spend together before he left for schooling 19 hours away.  He comes home next week. That'll be a full month apart.  But we've been texting regularly (his phone doesn't get service where he's at so no talking).  With this forced space between us, it's kinda making us discover if we can get along without any physical aspect involved. We already know there is a physical connection. Heh heh.   And he seems to be just as excited to see me as I am him.  

Here's the problem.

He's saying super sweet things to me. Constantly.  And now he's hinting about things we'd do together in the future.  Don't get me wrong! I want all that, and I want it to come true.   But I'm falling for him hard.  Fact is, I've already fallen.  But I think he's still leaning away from the edge.  I am trying to remember just to enjoy myself, enjoy our relationship.  But two things: I have fallen for fake words and empty promises before. There's a part of me being a cynical skeptic and thinking he's just blowing smoke up my ass.  The second part: it hurts to think he doesn't care as much about me.  I've never been one to hold my tongue or keep emotions bottled up.  And I'm going to embarrass the hell out of both of us if I let that dreaded L word slip.  And most likely chase the best guy I've met away, because he has expressed how he wants to take it slow.  It's one thing to live someone, but another if that love isn't reflected back.  

So I'm biding my time and going to force myself to remember to just enjoy it.  If it lasts, I could eventually have a lifetime of happiness.  If it doesn't, I'll be heartbroken.  But I'll still be alive and I've always got my little munchkin.  

God bless. 

A year later...

The phrase "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming" from Finding Nemo comes to mind. I wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't mainly swimming upstream.   

I'm officially a single parent as of August 30,2012.  Been going to college full-time still, and working 20+ hours a week.  All that just to barely scrape by on bills which would be impossible if I didn't have some food assistance from the gov't.  And no, I don't feel bad about getting help because I'm trying to do the best I can.

I've lived, I've loved, I've gotten my heart ripped from my chest.  And then, just when I think I can stand on my own two feet again, the vicious cycle starts over.  I had a panic attack this morning that was so bad that I went to the ER.  Makes me realize that maybe I need to start seeing a therapist.  If only I could afford one.  

There's been soo many times I just feel like the world is crushing me; I want to pack a suitcase and just run-away from my life. But then I pull myself back together like always and keep on, keep in' on. 

Reality

It's been almost two months since I split with my ex. No, I don't miss him. My daughter doesn't either. But life has not been a piece of cake either. The first few weeks, I was in constant alert, even sleeping on the couch to make sure he didn't try to break in the house. I have less laundry and mess to clean up in the house, but there's no money to pay bills. My gas got shut off yesterday (thank goodness it just controls the stove and furnace) and I have to find a way to come up with almost $300 just for this months electric bill. I had to make an agreement with landlord to pay rent in the 17th when I get my financial aid. I need to find a part-time job during school so that I can pay bills. I'm going to have to go to the food bank today for milk and bread....
And I do get lonely. Yes I live my daughter and she's always (ALWAYS) around. But I need adult, male attention sometimes. No, it's not about sex... Just to know that I was still attractive, wanted, desired, fun to be around..... All the things my ex said I was not. Want someone to cuddle and laugh at TV, to cook supper with, to mow the grass with, or go to the pool/lake with. I guess I've always wanted a "whole" family and I never have gotten it. Yeah, my ex wanted to try to be that, but only AFTER he shoved me around, called me names, belittled me for years, and said that he never wanted kids. Um, yeah.... Not gonna work that way asshole.
Life's definitely not a rise garden right now, or maybe I just keep getting stuck by thorns and chased by bees. Just trying to survive I guess.

Emotions...

Is it sad that I have realized that I can deal with anger much much better than I can with fear, anxiety, rejection, affection, crying or protection? Anger is "home" to me. I'm comfortable with anger. We're in a first-name, raid their fridge kind of relationship.

I hate to cry, because it shows a weak, tender side to me. That's vulnerable. Don't ever expose your throat unless you want it torn out by the bigger predator. I don't like to depend on others, and when they want to protect me, although I know it shows they care, again it tells me that others think I'm weak.

I don't know how to show affection to anyone except my daughter, unless alcohols involved. You can't let others see who you care about because they can hurt you thru them.

There is nothing to fear but fear itself. When your afraid, you don't think straight. Why else would those idiots in horror movies always run the wrong way?? Fear is the ultimate weakness-- it means you've given up and know that you can't do anything but sit and wait to be eaten by the predator. Anxiety is the predecessor of Fear. Anxiety prances along, shouting out that Fear Is On the Way!! Prepare the guest room!!

I have realized that I can't get attached to anyone but my own daughter. Because even if I don't screw it up, my psycho ex husband will find my weak spot and hurt me. And I can't ever ask anyone to put themselves in harms way for me. Because I'm angry. And I like angry it seems.

I need a life jacket

You know how sometimes you hit a rough patch in your life? Treading water and trying to keep from going under that third time? I have hit that spot while going over Niagra Falls in an inner tube...

After many years of being unhappy and putting myself last over my husband and daughters wants and needs, I have had enough. I told my husband I didn't love him anymore (for about the last three years), that I was tired of not being important in his life. Naturally, he didn't take that well. Coincidentally, he had just had an 'epiphany' and realized what a jacka$$ he's been for the last three years and wanted to fix everything miraculously. All those broken promises, forgotten holidays, and ignored family plans were supposed to be forgotten simply because he said he was sorry.

So over the course of the last three weeks, I've had to call the police twice because of his temper, file a Protection From Abuse order, and go into hiding twice. My family members and friends have been threatened and lied to by my soon-to-be-ex and complete strangers on Facebook have seen how bipolar he is. I don't want to keep Angel from him, but she's scared of him, and the judge (granting the PFA) went against my request and said that Jason would NOT get any contact with Angel at all... At least for the temporary, 10-day order.

I'm in financial upheaval as well. I have no income and need to find a job ASAP, but want to finish my college. Also, I'd have to deal with finding someone to watch Angel while I work; which isn't easy or cheap.

There's times I feel such relief because I won't have to deal with him anymore. Then there's anxiety on how I'll manage it by myself. And those little twinges of fear of being alone. But also, some sadness in that I don't know if my heart will ever be able to heal enough, and break down walls enough to ever fall in love again.

I have felt some happiness over the last few weeks, thanks to my friends. One friend in particular makes me smile without even knowing it. But that's a post for another time...

I'm tired....

I'm tired of always being strong. Of putting myself and my wants and needs at the bottom of the list. Of having to cry in the shower. Of making excuses why my husband backed out of yet another event or promise. Of tiptoeing around emotions. Of being yelled at and told how stupid and fat I am. Of having to choose between my husband andy family. Of having holidays ruined or just ignored. Of feeling anxious or scared whenever he's around. Of being jealous of happy couples. Of wondering what it would feel like to be loved or in love. Of not being important. Of living my life for everyone else's needs. Of putting on a happy face and saying "everything's fine". Because its not.

Day 5 (Thirty Day Challenge): Time I thought about ending my life

I write this post with hesitation.  I know this is a very very touchy subject with some people.

I had 2 times that I can think of that I really thought there was nothing worth living for. 

The first was when I was in High School.  I'm sure it was just chalked up to crazy hormones, bullying at school, and just BEING a teenager.  It was short-lived and I worked my way through that tough time of depression by writing in a journal.  If I could put my feelings down in words, it seemed like a release of those bad emotions.

The second time was when I was pregnant with my daughter.  Again, I'm thinking it was a LOT of crazy hormones combined with the fact that my husband was volunteering for deployment (so that we would be able to afford a baby -- health insurance, bonus pay, etc) and so I truly felt like I was going to be all alone.  Our daughter was the furthest thing from a "planned pregnancy" also, so this was not a state of being that we WANTED to be in anyway. 

Now don't get me wrong -- I LOVE MY DAUGHTER and she is the MOST important thing in my life.  Now.  But then, well...   I just couldn't handle my emotions.  I never ever did anything to harm myself, but I did have thoughts running through my mind.  Amazingly, I never experienced post-partum depression.  In fact, once I went to the hospital to deliver Angel, any depression I had miraculously lifted.  I knew that God was with me, and He'd never throw anything at me that I couldn't handle. 

There are still times that I battle with depression.  It runs in my family and so I know to expect it.  Thankfully, it never gets severe enough to worry about -- just have a "blue" day here and there.  I can see the symptoms/warning signs coming -- for me, it's not having energy to clean house, not wanting to get out of bed or off the couch, becoming grouchy towards those I love.  Once I notice those, I literally force myself to do something about it to turn around.  I have a Mom's Night Out at the local karaoke place.  I ask my husband for help for 30 minutes to do housecleaning, or maybe just for him to watch our daughter so I can go for a bike ride, or workout at the rec.  If I can catch myself early enough, I can banish those yucky feelings pretty effectively.  I also find things to "look forward to".  Currently, our big "forward" is our vacation to Walt Disney World in 24 days.  It's still a bit stressful (making sure our budget is good since we are HORRIBLE at saving money in the bank), but manageable. :)

Sidetracked by Life...

I realize I haven't written in a looong time (heck, I only made it to Day 4 of the 30-day challenge!) but there have been many many changes lately. I'll give you the short run-down and elaborate later.

1) I finally quit my job effective July 8th. phew.... MUCH stress relieved.

2) My daughter has turned 5 and started Kindergarten!!!

3) I have gone back to college!!! (YIKES)

4) In 24 days, we will be making a family trip to Walt Disney World!

I have lots of homework, cleaning, arranging, and packing over the next month. A wedding weekend, a quick trip to Colorado (Pike's Peak for my mom's would-be 50th wedding anniversary), and the Disney trip -- I've got too much going on in a 30-day span, on top of everyday household/homework chores. But I can do it!! :)

Day 4: Your views on Religion

I think religion is one of those basic necessities -- right along with air, food, water, shelter, etc... You have to belive in something!! Obviously, I'm a bit biased towards the Catholic reign, but even basic Christianity has the best general/realistic beliefs, in my honest opinion. Love thy neighbor, treat others as you would like to be treated... all that goodness. :)

I also believe that a person who HAS religion of some type, is generally happier, more content with their life, and more friendly and liked/popular. Definitely the first two. I've never known anyone who valued religion highly that was a sourpuss.

I'd love my own little family to be a bit more religious honestly. Better values, making sure we pray before each meal, attend mass every weekend. I'd LOVE to be part of a bible study -- but there doesn't seem to be a Catholic one that is within my schedule (as in it's while I'm at work).
And no, I don't agree with *everything* the Catholic faith says. I'm totally for using birth control, I'm not a stern pro-lifer (but neither am I outright pro-choice), I don't see any problem with reading bibles that are not "Catholic", and I think the "other" churches have a much better youth program (Awanna's is such an interesting program, that makes religion fun for kids!).

But I do believe in God, that his son Jesus died for our eternal sins, that our loved ones will pass to Heaven to become Angels, and Angels will watch over us. I don't believe in "ghosts" or "poltergeists". I do believe in Angels. I honestly have had a couple experiences that I know my own Dad has come down to give me a message. There was one time that I was having a VERY difficult time with Angel, and after Jason had his accident, and I was pretty much just DONE. I wanted to throw in the towel, get in my car and drive off from my dysfunctional house, never looking back. I was sitting, crying, and praying to God to take some of this stress off my shoulders -- that I just couldn't handle it. Right then, the smell of a Swisher Sweet (my dad's favorite smoke) surrounded me. Immediately, the weight on my shoulders lifted, Angel stopped crying and decided to take a nap, and my heart was just happier... Yep. I know my Dad stepped in to help out right then, when I needed him the most.

Day 3: Your Views on Drugs and Alcohol

This is a split opinion for me. I don't see anything wrong with alcohol consumption, as long as you are of age or, in fact, with family once you're 18. I understand the "law" says 21, but if you are with responsible family, there's nothing wrong with having a beer or maybe two between the ages of 18-21. I don't approve of minors getting drunk by any means, no matter who they are. But there's a lot more to drinking than the purpose of getting drunk. I hate being drunk. But I love having a beer to relax.

On the other hand, drug-users/abusers repulse me. My husband HAS to take prescription drugs for his PTSD issues, and so I'm obviously all for taking drugs for legit medicinal purposes. But marijuana, cocaine, meth, and that new so-called-legal weed -- If I know you use them at all; I pity you. Your life must be so joyless and depressing, your soul so dead and pathetic that you have to turn to illegal substances that do absolutely NO good to your body or mind. Once you do that, a dog has more common sense than you. There are sooo many options out there to entertain yourself other than getting high. I just don't understand why someone would feel the need to do that to themselves.

And, I'm done. :) Got a sunburned little girl I have to slather some more Aloe Vera on.

Day 2: Where I'd like to be in 10 years...

In 10 years, I'll be 41 (shhh, that's just a secret between you and me) and Angel will be 14/15. I have a feeling, that year will rival the current one in terms of difficult child-rearing LOL. We'd be bargaining for chores over make-up and family nights vs dating... All that aside, here's how I like to imagine our life will be playing out in 2021...

*I'd have graduated from K-State with my Bachelors in Agri-business.
*Jason and Angel have a quality father-daughter bond, in spite of how the first couple years went (with his PTSD/TBI issues)
*Angel and I spend mother-daughter time at the beauty salon, shopping, gossipping over hollywood stars, and have that deep friendship that allows her to feel comfortable discussing anything with me -- even that dreaded 3-letter word discussion (S-E-X)
*Angel will be doing very well in school and love learning! Hopefully, she will have found her "knack" at something -- whether it's Piano, Singing, Gymnastics, Cheerleading, Dance, whatever...
*We'll be living in San Antonio, TX. Close by the BAM-C medical center/Ft Sam Houston. This would allow us to live VERY close to one of the largest military hospitals in the US, so that Jason would be able to get immediate and constant monitering for his PTSD & TBI meds. We were stationed at BAM-C when Jason was first injured and fell in love with the area and the people there were so helpful!! And there's sooooo much to do there for a retired soldier (and his family)
*My mom would be able to come down for a couple weeks every other month to visit us (at our expense because of my fabulous job that I have -- whatever it may be!)

That's really all that I have pictured or want to happen at this moment. I try to be fairly realistic -- I know we'll all be arguing over bedtime, Jason will have his days where the meds don't help, I'll have mood swings..... But we'll have each other and our love. (wow, that was cheesy. sorry).... :)

Day 1: Discuss your Current Relationship

wow... well, that gets pretty emotional and complicated at times....

I have been married for 8 years, and we'll be together for 11 years come August. We've had our ups and downs, but any couple will tell you the same. We've come to the breaking point a few times as well, but it seems that we just keep going strong. I think our problem (and salvation) is that we're both just too pig-headed and stubborn. :)

Then, about 3 years ago, we had a major revelation in our love. Jason was in a C-130 'hard landing' and suffered from hemoragging in his brain. This gave an edge of mortality to our marriage and really made both of us realize that life is too precious and short to worry about the small stuff. However, he has a hard time dealing with stress and, honestly, turned into a giant jack-hole. His vices were alcohol, gambling, and violence (bar fight after bar fight with strangers). Never physically abusive toward me -- even when he was in "crazy mode", I knew he wouldn't directly hurt me or Angel. But since we're being honest, I wasn't sure when that last straw would break. Both me and Angel became fearful of his outbursts and walked on eggshells. Our life was anything but Happy. I stuck is out for 2 years when I finally had enough. I told Jason that it was either get help or get out. That was the wake-up call he needed to realize How he was treating us and just What he was going to lose. Yep, he checked into an in-patient treatment at the local VA hospital for 3 weeks, and then again for 2 more. Jason still suffers from Traumatic Brain Injury and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and he will for the rest of his life. Thankfully, the military/VA has finally gotten him on some medications that help lessen the effects.

Granted, we both have our "days", and Jason has relapses of jack-hole, but we are definitely on the road to mending our brokenness. He's more caring/considerate, and I'm more cautious/doubtful than we originally were, but we're working on coming to the middle. I'd say we're definitely a case of "What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger"!! My personal favorite line for our marriage is this : God won't give you anything you can't handle. (I just wish God didn't have so much faith in ME sometimes)

Am I up for a 30 day challenge??

Why not?? :)

Extreme couponing in Vegas? Oh yeah....

My hubby has a nationwide dart tournament in Las Vegas this coming weekend (Apr 29-May 2). Of course, I'm going with him to cheer him on! And yes, I'm going to try to enjoy myself. If you don't know me, Vegas is definitely on my "dislike" list. Not a city I'd evereverevereverever want to visit. I dont' like huge crowds, cities, gambling, prositution, drunken idiots. No, I didn't care for the movie "The Hangover" either. Waste of my $3 to rent it. Anyway -- back to the subject:

I am bound and determined to do this Vegas trip on as little wasted money/time as possible! And my Extreme Couponing diva is kicking in... When the trip is all said and done, I'm going to post all the money we spent vs what we saved. But for now, here's what I've got:

1. We live 2 hours from the airport and flying out at 6am Friday. Hubby has a VA appointment in Topeka (hour in the same direction) on Thursday. We are going to stay in Topeka Thursday night to save, more or less, two hours of driving (back to home, then back through Topeka on way to KC). We'll be staying at a local casino, where we have a FREE room comp'ed to us and also have 2 FREE buffets. We'll lounge in the hottub and go to bed early. Then, not have to wake up 'quite' as early to leave for the airport.

2. Coupon for 1 day free parking at MCI airport.

3. Security escort courtesy of the Wounded Warriors project and TSA. Saves about an hour at the bigger airports.

4. You can bring the miniature bottles of whiskey in your 3-1-1 bags. We are NOT paying $7.00 for a dixie-cup of Jack/Coke on the plain. The soda is free and we can add our own Jack Daniels. Savings: approx $3 each bottle used.

5. Using carry-on luggage ONLY. Saves approx $50 in checked baggage fees.

6. Am planning on buying a 3-day unlimited bus pass to travel up/down the strip & to attractions $20

7. Getting a discounted rate at Bally's b/c of the dart tourney. Right in the middle of the strip. Going to ask for a room facing the Bellagio when we check in. Then we can watch the fountains from our room!!

8. I have mapped out the "Open Bar" locations/times for free drinks. And the Sahara has $1 draft beers 24/7. Long ways from Bally's but that's what the buss pass is for!!

9. www.Restaurant.com provided me with $165 worth of certificates for only $14!!!
Also have coupons for 2-for-1 buffets, free Haagen Daz ice cream, free Pretzelmaker goodies...

10. I have multiple coupons for Two-for-One admissions to shows, Freemont Street experience attractions, etc. Really need to find another woman to take advantage of my 2-for-1 coupon to the X-Burlesque Acadamy class. Hey - don't judge me. It's Vegas. And we get a free 8x10 and diploma. :)

11. On our return trip, we have a horribly long layover at Chicago O'Hare. But we qualify to utilize the USO station and so get free refreshments, internet access, and comfy chairs to nap in.

12. Biggest saver of all --- My mom is watching Angel all this week so we don't have to pay a babysitter. Win-Win situation for all involved!!

Will update either on the trip or when I return with spending vs savings!

old(er) age

March is a wonderful, beautiful month! The official start of Spring, spring break, baby animals are born, grass is greening, snuggle-inducing drizzely rain, and my own birthday!

Granted, these years I'm less and less enthusiastic. Turning 30 was a HUGE issue with me. 30 was always the age that I dreaded; worse than 40,50,60, etc. When you're 30 you can't pretend to be young anymore -- you are undeniably an adult. This year I turned 31.

I honestly forgot my birthday was even approaching until the day before. Chalk it up to old age/senility I guess. I took on 31 pretty much like I was already defeated. There's no fighting it anymore. The crows' feet, cellulite, drooping jowls and flapping arms (you know that "double wave" action when you move your arm?) are officially winning. I can -- and do -- dye my hair to my hearts content to stave off any grey that might be wanting to come through. But that's just about the only physical trait I can easily take care of. I have true and good intentions of working out 5 times a week for at least an hour each. But my actual daily schedule says otherwise, with housework, homework, work-work?, mommyhood and wifedom. So I will gaze longingly at the elliptical machine in our bedroom. Fantasizing about the day when I actually have time left over after taking care of everyone ELSE's wants and needs.

At least now I have a more valid reason for my scatterbrain mode. Seriously, I'm worse than a dang squirrel. "Oh, something shiny!" My husband loathes shopping with me -- I have to touch every fabric item we walk past, just to feel it. Then, without warning, I'll abruptly stop in the middle of the aisle, weilding a 100-lb shopping cart -- just to look at something that caught my attention via the corner of my eye. One of my friends, Molly, has seriously held me by the shoulders to guide me through Wal-Greens so that I didn't get distracted by the Tinkerbell Lanterns (that would be totally AWEsome for my daughter's Disney World trip bytheway).

Yep, turning 29 (for the 3rd time) at least gives me reason for my craziness/scatterbrained/dillusional life. I'm old. Leave me alone. :)

I'm not a Bad Mom...

There's so much unspoken pressure put on Moms nowadays. Well, ok, I guess Mom's have always been the ones with all the responsiblities regarding the children and homes. And the ones to blame if their kids turned out bad. I'm brave enough to admit that I may not be a "perfect" mom. And here's why....

1. I don't spend 24 hours with my daughter. I work. She socializes with friends and fun games for 8.5 hours of the weekdays. But I try to make up for it with "Mommy-Sweetie" times/afternoons/weekends.

2. I let her drink all the juice she wants. It's Orange-Pineapple-Apple juice from concentrate. That's got twice the mix of water that is required. Economical AND healthier.

3. When she was 1 year old, she was watching TV. Probably about 4 hours worth a day. Don't judge me. It consisted strictly of Barney and a little bit of Blues Clues. Go ahead and judge now. My daughter shares better than most adults I know and She Can Read! At age 4. I'll never get that wonderful "I love you" song out of my head, but the version I like to keep in reserves is the one of the sweetest, loving 2 year old voice singing it.

4. My house is not always clean. Heck, it's rarely presentable anymore. But I'd rather spend 30 minutes cuddling with my Sweetie than straightening bookshelves or doing laundry.

5. Angel has free range option with the fridge. And now freezer since she's shot up faster than that danged beanstalk. She sees something she wants. She eats it. Or brings to us to cook it so she can eat it. But usually, she's asking for apples, oranges, grapes, strawberries, and the random piece of bologna or cheese.

6. We regularly take dinner trips to McDonalds. It's her favorite treat place (and mine). Go ahead, ask her to order. "Happymeal wit Chik nuggets and milk. And APPLES! But no appledipper. That's healthy!" She seriously gets mad if they mix it up and give her french fries instead of apples. Oh yeah.

7. She spends more time on the computer than either me or my husband. Internet has replaced the tv-time it seems. We've even bookmarked the two sites she goes to so that we don't have to help her find them. 1) www.nickjr.com 2) http://pbskids.com Bacteria-infested sponges that are named "Bob" or their equivalents are nowhere to be found. I'm pretty sure I can do experiements and prove that watching sea-faring Bob will seriously dumb-down your children. But that's another story.... Both sites are either chock-full of educational games or kid-friendly videos (i.e. Sesame Street, Blues Clues, Max & Ruby...)

8. I will put my daughter in time-out and on a rare occasion, swat her butt when she misbehaves. Nope, she's not perfect and neither am I. But I make sure that she knows why exactly she's in trouble, we talk it out afterwards ("Next time, you need to...), and always give her a huge hug and make sure she knows I love her. I personally think the world would turn out less miscreantes, thugs, and criminals if parents would discover this blend of love and consequences. If you go to the extreme on either side, you're asking for trouble.

I know I'm not perfect. But I do what I can. My daughter may be spoiled, but she's far from rotten. And she's mine. :)

Annoyed

Has anyone else gone through a stage of annoyance? I don't know what's different lately, but I'm downright Annoyed with almost everything. People, my animals, the fact that the dishwasher doesn't always clean the dishes... I really think I need to join a kickboxing class just to get these frustrations out. It'd probably be more beneficial than my current state of grrrr. The things that are really pushing my limits are the following:

1. I didn't get my job I applied for. They offered it to someone that had more experience. Ok, so I can't disagree with that option, but it doesn't mean that I have to like it.

2. My daughter's alternating independent/clingy stage. You just can NOT make a 180 on attitude that quickly without a written warning and signed consent.

3. Stress of doing well on my 13 hrs of college classes, along with my final insurance class to acquire my Associates of Underwriting. Also, I thought I *lost* my Biology textbook and went crazy going through the house looking for it. Turns out, I never did order it. :/

4. My crazy, almost-presentable-but-still-disaster-zone-lurking house. For the most part, it's presentable (no rotting food or trash all over) but not anywhere near what I would like it to be. I just don't have enough hours in the day to do the housework I want to -- between working 40 hours a week, studying, spending time with Angel and Jason, trying to exercise -- something's gotta give. If I exercise, then I have to take that time away from studying. Need to spend 2 hours doing laundry? Then I can't go to Dart League on Wednesday.... Granted, Jason's been trying his best to help keep things picked up, but he doesn't take initiative and vacuum the carpets or sweep/mop the kitchen.... maybe in time.

5. I've been hanging around empathetic, emotional people for too long. I have lost touch with my inner Bitch. I miss her. She didn't care about others' opinions, and looked out for her own success and failures before others. I really do hate to hear other people gripe and complain about their life, when they're not going to do anything to improve it. Hate your job? Apply for new ones. Not getting enough sleep? Go to bed earlier! Something pains you? See a dang doctor and follow their advice! Lonely? Go out on a date or out with friends. Otherwise --- PULL UP YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES AND STOP THE WHINING!!! Whining gets you absolutely nowhere -- except on my nerves.

Well, maybe now I won't be so annoyed. Ok, so maybe I will. But every woman is entitled to getting pissy once in a while, right?? Well, too bad if you don't think so. I'm letting my inner Bitch have free reign for a while. If your feelings get hurt because you take this personal, then you really don't know me well enough. I'm going to say what's on my mind without cutting corners or making it all soft and comfy for you. Man-up or Get out.

Have a quality day!

4-Year old mood swings.

O.M.Geeeee! I don't know if anyone else out there has the same problem I do, but I'm going crazy!! My darling four year old daughter has mood swings worse than my brain-injured husband! Granted, it keeps life entertaining I guess...

For example, she's in the "I'll do it!" stage. But she's not mature enough to handle disappointment well (like when she can't master a move on the Wii). Then she screams and cries hysterically until you help her. It's like a dang Tsunami crashing over your poor little love shack on the beach. (I've always wanted a love shack on the beach -- sounds so wonderfully seedy and made for a smut book).

Another example is how clingy she's suddenly gotten!! I can't go into another room without her following me. Yes, I am flattered -- TO A POINT! There are also times when I'd like to tinkle or talk on the phone without a shadow asking me what I'm doing. Or take a shower without someone saying "My boobies will get that big when I'm older!". Don't even suggest shutting the door b/c our master bathroom HAS no door. She cries when I leave her at daycare, she cries when I go out for dart league, she cries in the morning when I wake her up (because we're not staying home).

I have been trying to spend more quality time with her and that's helped -- but very minimally. I've tried being the Tough Parent. Didn't help either of us. I'm at my wits end on this one.... I guess it's just another stage that she'll have to overcome! Exit, Stage Left!!